Saturday, November 8, 2008

moving and breathing

This is how it works.
You're young until you're not.
You love until you don't.
You try until you can't.
You laugh until you cry.
You cry until you laugh.
And everyone must breathe
until their dying breath.

~Regina Spektor

Next week I will start the first of many trips out of the bear river valley, my car filled with boxes of things I once thought were important. It will be hard to leave such beauty.

Last winter the little schoolhouse Squirrel and I share began to fall apart and has continued to over the last ten months. Water lines were constantly broken. Fences, gates and steps rotted and disintegrated. Pipes leaked, appliances stopped working and the shingles came off the roof one by one.

Squirrel and my relationship began to erode along with the house, and though we tried the best we could, neither one of us has been able to make the necessary repairs. We will no longer be living together.

I find myself without anger or accusations or blame, only with a deep sadness and a grief for a dream that has died, along with an anxiousness that always comes from a future uncertain.

At the end of every day now I make my way home to a funky little cabin made of recycled windows and abandoned wood. I sit on the floor, talk to the resident spider, shed more than a few tears, eat Greek yogurt and sleep in a tiny loft that makes me feel like a fat little bird hiding from predators.

And for the first time in a very long while I can breathe again.


Ernie Branscomb said...


…been all those places, done all those things. You have my complete sympathy, now take my advice. Some day again you will be so happy that you wont be able to remember how sad you once were, and when you don’t think that you can go on, live for tomorrow, it always comes. You will be happy!

Indie said...

Broken hearts must be going around, Kristabel. I can empathize with everything you have written here. Your courage is what I admire and wish I shared.

Ernie, has the wisdom of time and perspective, and I believe he is right. You are so obviously a wonderful and vibrant person, a treasure.

I'm so glad you can breathe again.

Kym said...

I wish I were as wise and as eloquent as Ernie.

I know you will find new places to love and new people who touch your heart, though.

beachcomber said...

I guess this is the down-side to the Ferris wheel that takes you up to the moon. Soon, the calliope will play and the pretty horses will go up and down and someone will win your heart and a teddy bear for you on the fairway. I wore the necklace you made today, with the Ferris wheel and received a number of compliments. I will think happy thought of you whenever I wear it.

Katie LeJoi said...

Thanks for Sharing... I wish I knew to make you feel better. I'm sending you a big hug with this comment.

Bumblebee said...

I love you my friend

Raven said...

Oh Kristi, I am so sorry. You a such a shinning star that nothing will ever dull your brilliance. Well wishes to you while you are working through this and sweet kisses all over your face.
P.S. This is the Manila mermaid if you didn't know...tee hee! Smile today!

headwrapper said...

Sorry to hear the sad news. My thoughts are with you.

Monica... That One Girl said...

Lovely Kristabel-

Had I known about this when I saw you on Friday night, I would have given you a big hug.

Ernie really nailed it... the cycle continues, and you will end up happier and more appreciative of the things that get you to that happy place.

I admire your spirit, always. *virtual hug*

Anonymous said...

Ditto what Ernie said, it was well put. Things will be hard for a while, and music will remind you often but...Time heals. Stay well.

The same goes for Squirrel. A manly love shout out for him.

Kristabel said...

I can't even put into words how touched I am by your thoughts, advice, hugs and kisses.

Thank you all.

Anonymous said...

moving and breathing...

Joe Cornish said...

I can tell you from experience that it's possible to pull up all roots, start all over again and come out ahead. I also know how tough the process can be, and I send you my best wishes. When I finally meet you, I'll give you a big hug.

Anonymous said...

Wishing you the best as you start the next chapter of your life. Just remember to NEVER settle!
It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

Carol said...

Blog hugs! We will see you soon, okay?

Anonymous said...


i'm sorry. know you are not alone.
keep up with the breathing part.

Erin said...

I love you girl...

Joel Mielke said...

I've been checking in here for days, pecking encouraging words into the box and then deleting what I'd written, recalling the line from "Much Ado About Nothing," For there was never yet philosopher that could endure the toothache patiently.

I wish you the best, and hope that time makes haste in the healing.

Anonymous said...

It has always amazed me about some of things you write that you use such few words but show such emotion. I'm sorry. If it makes you feel any better there are probably some hearts that skipped a beat when they read you will be single. I know mine did.