Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Your helpful tip for today.

Here in Humboldt we're all concerned with reusing, recycling and reducing our carbon footprint, yes?

Well, I don't know about you, but I had never thought about how my use of ....ahem...adult playthings was affecting the planet. Until today, that is, when I happened upon this site: Recycle My Sex Toy

We've all been there. New batteries installed. Lights down low. Mood music on the stereo. And just when you're totally ready to get down with your bad self, you hear a sickening thud. A slow grind to a complete halt signaling a very sad, not to mention frustrating, end to a trusty friend.

But what to do now? Throw it away? Make art out of it? Use it as a towel holder? Fortunately, this company will take your gigantic rechargeable Rock-Your-World Jack Rabbit and turn it into playground mulch for the kiddies. They'll even send you a $10 gift certificate so you can buy a new one.

You're welcome!

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

The Absolute Best Time to Get Your Saturday Night (Revised. Again. I can't help it .).....

is in a dark seedy alley in a city not so far away.

Or at least that's what I'm hoping.

Sing it with me.

Bomp Chicka Bow Bow....Chicka Bomp Chicka Bow Bow......

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Why I will not be attending the peace march on Saturday

I'm all for civil disobedience. For peaceably assembling. For street theater and the Raging Grannies and Code Pink and Veterans for Peace.

But if I see one person juggling while riding a unicycle, passing out 9/11 conspiracy leaflets, spouting about global warming, picking up hot chicks or in any other way using the event as an excuse for frivolity instead of a reason to express being righteously pissed off that billions have been spent, thousands upon thousands have been killed, millions have been displaced, tens of thousands have been wounded and hundreds have killed themselves, then the likelihood that I'll end up in jail is very high.

And I look terrible in orange.

photo source

Friday, March 13, 2009


Tonight we celebrated my dad's birthday at Shamus T-Bones out in Carlotta. If you haven't been yet, you really should. It's fantastic. We gorged on various barbecued meats, cornbread muffins, chili, coleslaw, salads and baked beans and washed it all down with beer. If there's one thing my family knows how to do, it's eat. And we do. Well and often.

Earlier in the day my mom had baked my dad's favorite raspberry/blackberry pie and had dropped it off at T-bones to surprise him. There was no way she would trust a restaurant with a birthday dessert. It was a glorious pie. The crust was flaky and tender. The filling glittered with red and was sweet with just the right hint of tartness. Topped with vanilla ice cream it was the perfect ending to a completely gluttonous meal.

Big Hands endeared himself to my parents by eating more than everyone and moaning in ecstasy while inhaling the pie. It was a really good time.

Unfortunately our exit from the restaurant was a bit shaky. We all walked our very full bellies slowly to the door trying not to pop the buttons off our jeans or make attention-getting grimaces.

Mom was holding the half-empty pie plate in her hands and somehow lost her footing on the cement curb. Her feet flew out from under her; she landed flat on her back, bruised her tailbone and cracked her head on the sidewalk.

The hostess came running as Dad and Big Hands helped her sit up. Mom was stunned and in obvious pain. She put her hand up to her throbbing head, gave a little moan and then looked around wildly.

I leaned down to her. "What is it Mom? Are you okay? Do you need help?"

She looked up at all three of us with tears in her eyes and asked,

"Is the pie okay?"

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Did You Hear That?

Date: March 10, 2009

Time: 5:30 p.m.

Place: a Fortuna laundromat.

A man is talking very loudly on his cell phone in the middle of the laundromat.

"Really? You found it in her room? She admitted it was hers?"

Long pause.

"Well, it sounds like you need to decide what you'd rather have - a daughter who's a tweaker or a daughter who lays around on her bed and does nothing. Either way I'd ground her. For at least two weeks."

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Pretty, tasty and best of all, easy.

No, I'm not talking about myself, silly.

It seems the last several months of life chaos have aged me about 50 years and left me with a nasty little hole in my stomach. Along with taking drugs (not the fun kind, unfortunately,) and avoiding just about everything that tastes good, I have also had to stop drinking alcohol. Oh, the unfairness!

The other day I opened up the crisper drawer of my refrigerator to find it not full of healthy green vegetables, but of apricot ale I had forgotten was there. I grabbed one from the drawer, held the cold moist bottle in my hand and looked longingly at the label. My mouth began to water as I grabbed a bottle opener from the drawer, popped off the lid and watched the frosty vapor emerge from the neck. Slowly, I brought the bottle close to my lips and inhaled the delicious scent while closing my eyes.

Then suddenly in my mind's eye I saw myself clutching my stomach while rolling on the floor writhing in agony, set the bottle down on the counter, and did the next best thing - turned it into bread.

Beer bread is fantastic. It's easy to make like a quick bread but isn't quite as dense. It still has that yeasty bread smell and taste. You can experiment with all different kinds of beer and additions to make it great for just about any occasion, like slathering it with butter and feeding it seductively to your naked moaning lover.

This recipe yields a bread with a little sweetness. I used Pyramid Apricot Ale because that's what I had on hand, but I'll bet it would be even better with Lost Coast Tangerine Wheat. Maybe with some dried cherries? It's also a recipe I wrote down and now can't remember from where. So if it's yours...I'm sorry....and thanks.

Here are the ingredients:

3 cups all purpose flour
2 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 cup sugar
3 tbsp vegetable oil
1 12 ounce bottle of apricot beer
1/2 cup diced dried apricots

Preheat your oven to 350F and lightly grease a 9×5 inch loaf pan.

Dice the apricots into chunky little pieces.

Whisk together the flour, baking powder, salt and sugar in a great big bowl.

Make a little well in the center of the dry ingredients and pour in the vegetable oil and the beer. Ooooooo....pretty.

Stir the mixture just until no streaks of flour remain. It'll be very sticky and goopy.

Then throw in the dried apricots and mix them into the batter.

Pour the batter into the prepared pan and put it in the oven. It's thick, so you'll probably have to scrape it out with a spatula. This picture shows two pans because I doubled the recipe. It's always good to have a loaf in the freezer.

Bake for 55-60 minutes, until a toothpick inserted into the center comes out clean and the top springs back when you lightly press on it. The bread should be light or medium gold. Turn it out of the pan and let it cool on a wire rack. It will look even better and browner and might even glisten if you give the top of the dough an egg wash. I didn't have any eggs, so mine isn't as gorgeous as it could have been.

Slather with butter, find a naked moaning lover and enjoy!