Thursday, January 29, 2009

I still heart statcounter

It's that time again! Here's a list (with just a little bit of commentary) of all the words and phrases that have led searchers to our little chocolate covered home in the blogosphere. There were the usual of course: assless chaps (which we haven't mentioned in ages,) chocolate breasts and the variants of spanking bench, but this time there were some that were new and just a little unusual. Really, I couldn't make this stuff up.

cheap xanax blogspot

Hey! We may be easy, but we're not cheap.

crush xanax in liquor

This either sounds like a really bad idea or a really great Saturday night.

humboldt county spanking

Just doing our part to liven things up behind the redwood curtain.

doggystyle promotions

Does it really need promoting? I thought everyone liked it!

gay spanking road rage

Why am I visualizing my friend Pancake wielding a paddle and screaming, "Taste the rainbow, bitches!" ?

sexual frustration blogspot

I realize the Saturday Night posts have been a little few and far between, but geesh...

i think my couch has poison oak oil on it what do i do

I don't know either, sweetheart.

xxx hot sluts

Yeah! It's about time!

tiger gets lost brady bunch

Oh my god! I love that episode almost as much as the one about the cursed tiki idol! Or the one where Jan wears a wig! Or when Marsha breaks her nose!

make a jail using pretzels and marshmallow

The kids must be making these in school now instead of those stupid missions.

humboldt weed

Wrong blog.

aging goddess martini

I'll start thinking about what ingredients should go in this new drink as soon as it stops making me sad. Maybe they'll make it for me at the Gilded Rose. Sniff.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Bigfoot ate my internet connection

When I moved to my funky little cabin in Loleta, one of the things that made me happiest was a close unsecured wireless internet connection named Loletalag. Since I'm still paying off a contract I no longer use with a nasty satellite company, pilfered internet is the only thing within my budget.

Several weeks ago the Loletalag connection suddenly disappeared. At first I thought that perhaps the owners had gone on vacation or that maybe something was wrong with their computer, but with a heavy heart I'm sad to report that Loletalag seems to be gone for good. My days of free stolen internet are over, which is also the main reason for my blog slacking.

I have so many stories to share, so I'll do what I can when my boss isn't looking. And if you know any good wifi hot spots around Loleta and Fortuna, let me know. Especially if they're in close proximity to cheap alcohol and/or strong coffee.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Another year better

Somebody is having a birthday. This somebody is one of my favorite people in the whole wide world. To me she's like warm, melty ice cream on a hot cherry pie or a dip in a refreshing lagoon in the tropics. Yeah, she's like that. And for just one day I hope she knows how much I love and miss her. Happy birthday beautiful, this one's for you!

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Portland Travelogue

You might remember my fabulous trip to Portland almost a year ago to spend some much-needed quality time with my twin-voiced cousin Keri. We drove miles for doughnuts, created metal artwork, shopped for thrift store items and sex toys, danced to ABBA and so much more.

Last week I went back to Portland to return a visiting Grandpa Joe and get in some more cousin time. I just knew that you all would want me to share the action-filled photos from the trip:

Ah, yes. Feet on coffee table. Butts planted firmly on couch. For three days straight.

What you can't see in the photo are the stacks of videos ("Lars and the Real Girl" is my new fave,) stacks of books, wads of kleenex from the multiple good-cry sessions and empty cups that were continually being refilled with warm and boozy Tom and Jerry's. Also not showing is the bit of moisture on the corner of Keri's mouth from drooling as she watched her boyfriend on t.v.

Mmmmmmm. Can you say, "Bob's your uncle?"

No, it wasn't the most adventurous trip we've ever spent together.

It was much better than that. There's something exceptionally wonderful about spending time with someone who feels like home. Who represents where you come from and reminds you of your roots. Someone whose life will be interconnected with yours no matter where you go and what you do. Someone who will sing the Swedish Chef song with you in perfect harmony. That's what Keri does for me.

And for those of you who are worrying that my crazy road trip days are over, don't be. I'm going to San Francisco this weekend, so prepare yourselves now. Big hands and drag queens go very well together.

Friday, January 2, 2009

A few goodbyes and a couple of hellos.

With a sigh of relief I said farewell to 2008 on December 31. The last few months of the year have been unbelievably difficult, but about three weeks ago I uncurled myself from a fetal position, got off the kitchen floor, took a deep breath and an even deeper swallow of tequila and decided to get on with it. I have never been so happy to begin a new year.

Saying goodbye to my life in the Bear River Valley has not been easy. It's the sort of place that creeps into your subconscious and won't let you go. It gets under your skin. Literally. For as I sit writing this, my inner thighs are covered in ugly red welts. They get like this every few days, and when I feel the familiar itching and burning, I know that the Bear River Valley and its state flower, the poison oak plant, have not unleashed me yet.

I've washed all my clothes, towels and sheets. I've scrubbed my shoes. I've cleaned everything I can possibly think of that might have come in contact with the nasty oil. I've even searched my yard here in Loleta for signs of the plant but have found nothing.

I've begun to think that the only answer is that we need closure - the valley and me. So here is my final goodbye to 2008, as well as a hopeful hello to '09. After all, as my Rio Dell grandma would say, "When God closes a door, he never quite closes it all the way, so the wind keeps blowing it open and gets dirt everywhere and you have to chase the chickens out with a broom."

Or something like that.

Goodbye bright blue skies of ABBA ranch.

Farewell, my sweet 2408. You're a punk, but I love you.

Adios, favorite rusty truck.

So long toilet graveyard.

I'll be seeing you, strapping ranch hand. No, really. I'll be seeing you.

Goodbye gorgeous rose of summer.

And goodbye to you, too, chilly rose of winter.

Farewell dry wit and dripping faucets.

See you later, tomato dreams.

It's time to move on, poison oak. Think of this as an opportunity for growth and just let go. You can do it.

And you, beautiful Bear River. I'll miss you the most. Even with the giardia.


And so.....

Hello 2009.

Hello hope and happiness and light and laughter.

Hello Gilded Rose.

Hello, delicious cosmopolitan. I know you're oh-so-1998, but I don't care.

And hello drinking companion with big hands.

You know what they say. Big hands, big brain.

Or something like that.

Happy New Year!