Monday, September 29, 2008

Did You Hear That?

Date: September 24, 2008
Time: 10:00 a.m.
Place: Old Town Coffee and Chocolates

A cute small man at the next table is discussing his love life with his coffee drinking companion.

Companion: "So, you're into Asian guys?"

Cute small man: "Yeah. So my ideal man would be an Asian midget. My therapist thinks I may need to broaden my horizons."

Thursday, September 25, 2008

The new mouth to feed

My house no longer smells like these little bastards.

My blankets are no longer coming apart at the seams.

My lacy underwear has no new holes (except the ones created by human fingers ripping them off in the heat of passion of course)

I no longer find piles of crackers in the corners of cupboards.

Squirrel no longer wanders through the house swinging his machete and mumbling obscenities to himself.

There's peace in the schoolhouse in Bear River Valley tonight.

All thanks to King George.

Who's totally worth the price of cat food.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

And now in the something tells me there might have been alcohol involved department

Maybe it's me, but I cannot stop laughing hysterically at this article from the Fresno Bee, "Burglar victims wake to spice rub, sausage attack."
The victims, both farmworkers, told deputies they were awakened by a stranger applying "Pappy's Seasoning" to one of them and striking the other with a sausage.

And an 8-inch sausage at that!

Unfortunately in the end, the great big weapon was eaten by a dog.

I'm sure Pappy's is lovely, but personally, when being rubbed by burglars, I prefer that they use larrupin sauce. And don't worry. I'm not even going to tell you about my sausage preferences.